what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
