Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
