Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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