And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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