Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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