you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
