In the future we'll all be gay
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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