Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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