I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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