I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
