Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
