Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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