the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
