i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
