I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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