I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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