I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
