I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
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