theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
