woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
