Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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