Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
