he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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