Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
