dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
