I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?