Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant