i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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