i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
