She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
