theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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