Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
