He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
