And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
