Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
