Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
