Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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