Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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