Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
