So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
