Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
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I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"