Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?