Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
