I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so explain again why im purple
no
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
