The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
