Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
