I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
