I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
