i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
