You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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