The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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