is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
