It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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