and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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