the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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