Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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