after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I touched a dick in church today
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
