You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
