My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Pants are for mortals
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
