Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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